


When you lose something you can't replace

by charlyjosefine (charlottetuengen)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Baby, Break Up, Family, Love, Multi, Pregnancy, Relationship(s), Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-30 01:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8513575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottetuengen/pseuds/charlyjosefine
Summary: One day his girlfriend breakes up with Dan and leaves behind a mess for Phil to scrape off of the floor. Two months later she's back to change his life upside down once more Aka: Dan and his girlfriend breakes up, and he isn't dealing well with it, but she comes back to tell him something





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is not frased by me, it is inspired by the Colplay song "Fix you"
> 
> Also, English is my second language, so I appologize if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes. Please tell me if you find any and it bothers you :)

«I can’t do this anymore!» she screamed at him. 

“What? You think you are the only one having a hard time about this?” he screamed back. 

“It’s not about that” her voice in a more normal volume, but still angry. “You are the most loving, caring, most beautiful person, Daniel, and I love you, but I can’t live like this. I can’t live behind closed doors. I can’t be someone for you to enjoy whenever you feel like it, but then pretending like we don’t know each other the rest of the time” she said, and he could feel the hurt in her voice. He didn’t know what to say, he knew she was right. 

She stared into his deep, brown eyes, at the verge of tears, clenching her jaw not to start crying. She picked up her bag and walked towards the door as a tear started rolling down her cheek. 

He was blocking the door, and he didn’t know whether he should move to let her go, or stand there to try and make her stay. He didn’t want to make her stay because he knew she wasn’t happy. He knew, and he had always known, she deserved better. But he kept standing there. She stopped in front of him. She looked into the eyes she once fell in love with. 

“I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you know that” tears were streaming down her face now.

“I know” he whispered. She dropped her bag and embraced him, her shorter body fitting perfectly with his. They were so perfect together, and he hated himself so much for ruining it. “I love you too” he responded. That was all he could say. That was all he really knew at this point. 

She inhaled his smell one last time before detaching herself from his body. With her arms still hocked together around his hips, she leaned back, looked into his eyes, and whispered a quiet “goodbye”. 

The way they both let each other go at the same time was almost symbolic. She picked up her bag, looked to the ground and walked out the door. He couldn’t move. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. He just kept standing there, trying to realize the fact that he had just lost the love of his life.

\---------------------

Dan sat comfortably in his sofacrease when her name appeared on the screen. He had tried not to think about her for the past two months. The memories of the painful afternoon in his bedroom were still freshly in his mind, even after all the time he has spent trying to suppress it. He didn’t want to answer. He couldn’t answer. His body wouldn’t make the necessary movements that would allow him to answer her call. Her name disappeared. It only took a few moments for it to appear again. She wouldn’t call twice just to chat. She wanted something, wanted to say something. He picked up the phone.

“Hi” he said, immediately regretting not clearing his voice first. 

“Hi, Dan” she said. He though she sounded sad. “We need to talk. Can I come over?”

“Y-yeah, sure” he still wasn’t completely over her, and seeing her again wasn’t really something he wanted to do, but she sounded serious. 

“I’ll be there in about an hour. Is that okay? ”

“Yes, Phil is out, so we’ll be alone”

“Great. See you”

“Bye” he said and she hung up.

56 minutes later, he could hear the doorbell. He had spent the last 54 minutes making sure he and the apartment looked great. He got up to answer the door. His hands were sweaty; he wasn’t at all ready for this. He had no idea what she wanted to talk about and he didn’t know what he wanted to say to her, now, when he finally had the chance. He didn’t know how he should act, either. If he should be crying, begging her to reconsider and come back, which was what he really wanted, of if he was going to play it cool, pretending to be completely over her. He didn’t know if he should apologize or expect an apology. He opened the door.

“Daniel”

“Hi” he couldn’t even say her name. They stared at each other for a few seconds before he realized what she was waiting for. “Come in” he said, and moved out of the way to let her enter. It was November, and it was getting cold outside. 

“Thank you” she said as she stepped inside. She took off her boots and hung her jacket and scarf on the coat stand. She looked him in the eyes and he smiled, feeling awkward. He started walking up the stairs and she followed. 

“Can I get you anything?” he asked nervously as she sat down in their couch. She had been here so many times, and it used to feel like home. Now, it felt like somewhere she had never been. It was like going to someone’s house for the first time, feeling uncomfortable what so ever. 

“No, I want to go straight to the point” she answered, a little too quickly. He thought it made her sound nervous, and for all he knew, she was. He sat down in the couch with her, looking straight at her. He though she looked tired, sad. It seemed as the awkward silence lasted forever, even though it couldn’t have lasted for more than a minute.

“Listen, I’m so sorry about the way I treated….” He couldn’t finish his sentence before she blurted out her secret.

“I’m pregnant” they stared at each other, and he must have looked terrified, because it made her smile. Oh, that beautiful smile that he loved so much. 

“Wh-wha” he couldn’t speak.

“It’s yours” she quickly added as if he was assuming anything else. He didn’t know what to say. 

“I don’t know if I want this, or even if I can do it, but all I know is that I couldn’t go through with the abortion,” she said. He was scared she would start crying. There was a long silence where neither of them knew what to say. She broke it.

“I’m moving back home to live with my sister. I can’t do this alone and I will need all the help I can get. I haven’t even told my parents yet, but I guess they won’t talk to me either way” he knew how non-existent her relationship with her parents were. And then it started sinking in what she really had just said, and for the first time he was able to speak up properly.

“What? You’re moving? I don’t get a say in this? This is my child too. I…” he was angry, but she cut him off.

“Biologically, yes, but you wouldn’t want this”

“What the hell do you know? Of course I would want to be a part of their life”

“It’s not up to you. Moving in with my sister is a final decision. I just thought I would tell you. The last thing I needed right now is to be yelled at. I thought you, of all people, would understand” he was angry, but mostly hurt. 

“When are you leaving?” he answered in a more controlled voice.

“Not yet. I’ll wait until I’m further along. I’ll stay in London a couple more months” he sat there shocked, unable to say anything. She had his child inside of her and she was just going to leave him out. He wanted this as much as she did, maybe even more. 

She wiped a tear from her left cheek. She inhaled through her nose before she got up, ready to leave. She walked past him and out of the living room. He realized he had to say something.

“Hey! Don’t go” He immediately regretted saying it when he heard how desperate it sounded. She stopped on the top of the stairs and turned around, looking into his eyes with a hurt look. 

“Can I at least come with you to your appointments before you leave? I want to know my baby is okay” he said in a low voice. He tried to smile a little as he said the last sentence. Her face broke out in a big smile and she started crying for real now. She walked over and hugged him, much like the last time he has seen her. 

“I’m sorry we didn’t work out” she said. 

“It was my fault” this time it was he who broke her off.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we didn’t work out, because this is one of the reasons I love you” it took some time before his brain processed it, and he didn’t know if it was just wishful thinking, but he was sure she said it in present tense. She said ‘love’, not ‘loved’, right?

“Thank you” she whispered into his t-shirt as she was sobbing. “I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but I’ll call you when I do”

“Thank you” he whispered into her hair. It smelled like her, and he felt it in his heart and his stomach how much he missed her. 

\---------------------

She had left. Just like that, she was out of his life again. But not completely, they were still having a child together. She had promised to call him for the appointments she would have before she left London. He was thankful for that, but hated the fact that she would move so far with their child. With his child.

He was still speechless when Phil got home almost half an hour later. 

“Dan, I’m home” he could hear from downstairs. He didn’t think to answer before Phil shouted again.

“DAN?” he came walking up the stairs and into the living room. He stopped in the door when he found Dan sitting in the couch staring out the window. “Is everything okay?”

“She called. And then she stopped by” Dan said in a monotone voice.

“Who?” Phil said, and when Dan didn’t answer he knew who. After the breakup, Dan didn’t want to hear her name, let alone say it. “Oh” he added. He sat down next to Dan on the couch. 

“She’s pregnant,” he said in an emotionless tone. “It’s mine”

“Is that a good thing?” 

“She’s moving back home to live with her sister, I won’t be a part of their life. It will be my child without really being my child. I’m trying to stay careless towards this whole thing, pretending like it doesn’t matter, so that maybe, in the end, it won’t. But I can’t. If it was up to me, I would have tried to make us work again,” he talked so fast, letting go of all his feelings. He was nearly crying as he looked into Phil’s blue eyes. Dan had been an emotional mess for the last two months and this was the last thing he needed. Phil put his arms around his friend’s shoulders and held him tight to his chest, as he had done so many times over the past months. Dan started crying for real now.

“I just miss her so much,” he sobbed into Phil’s sweater. This wasn’t about the baby anymore, this was about her.


	2. The appointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and his ex-girlfriend go to their first doctor's appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is not phrased by me, it is inspired by the Coldplay song "Fix you"
> 
> Also, English is my second language, so I appologize if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes. Please tell me if you find any and it bothers you :)
> 
> I'm having so much fun writing it, the next part will probably be posted within a week, as I'm halfways already, and I know the layout of the rest of the chapter ;)  
> I'm not as happy about this chapter, and I don't quite know what it is, but I promise the next chapter is better, at least so far!

They were both nervous and she was holding his hand. They were in the waiting room for their first ultrasound. She had called the week before to ask if he wanted to come with her. Of course he did. So now, they sat here, amongst many heavily pregnant women and their husbands, all so happy about the new addition to their families. Dan felt so alone, so misplaced. 

“Next” a nurse called. She got up and started walking towards the woman, still holding Dan’s hand. He was nauseous. He didn’t feel well at all, and he felt guilty about it. She was the one suffering with morning sickness. She was the one in pain. She was the one with a growing child inside of her, and he was the one feeling unwell.

His thoughts had blocked out the conversation. She saying his name brought his attention back to the scene in front of him. The doctor had her arm stretched out, ready to shake his hand. 

“Dan Howell” he said and shook her hand. 

“Dr. Jones” she smiled. “Are you the father?”

“Yes” he replied. 

“Would you lay down for me, please?” the doctor smiled at her. She laid down on the bed and Dan sat down in the chair next to her. She looked at him and smiled, reaching out her arm for his hand. He grabbed it and smiled back. They shared a moment and Dan wished they could savor this forever. He wondered if it would be inappropriate to ask the doctor to take a picture of them in this moment. He didn’t care. If this was all the time he got to spend with his baby, he at least wanted to have it captioned forever. 

“I’m sorry if this sounds weird, but could you take a picture of us?” he asked, looking at the doctor. 

“Of course” she replied and he gave her his phone.

“Can you look me in the eyes and smile, like you just did, and just be your adorable self?” he asked, immediately regretting calling her adorable.

“This won’t change anything, Dan” she said. Her immediate reaction to his stupid question was surprise, and after that, she just seemed bothered.

“I know. Please” he said. He held her hand, he looked into her eyes and smiled, and she did the same. It touched him that she actually went for it. He didn’t think she cared anymore. But then again, it could just be something he has told himself to make it easier. 

“Here you go” Dr. Jones said and gave the phone back. 

“Thank you” he said and smiled at the doctor, before repeating it to his ex-girlfriend in a whisper. 

The doctor put gel on her stomach and started the ultrasound. 

“This is your first ultrasound, correct?” the doctor asked.

“Yes” she replied. 

“I would say your baby is about 12 weeks, due date about mid-June. It looks healthy. Here…” she said and pointed at the screen at something moving. “you see the heartbeat”

Neither of them knew what to say. They just stared at the screen, stared at their baby. He felt the lump in his stomach as he realized this wouldn’t really be his baby. He wouldn’t be there to hold them or comfort them, love them or help them. He wouldn’t get to be a dad for real. If he were lucky, he would be the dad you go and see every summer. He wouldn’t be there to watch them grow up. He wouldn’t be there to help with homework, or discuss boys or girls, to get drawings for his birthday. He could see the little blob right now, but he wouldn’t be there to watch that little blob grow up to be a creative, kind, independent grown up. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t sit there and watch this, pretending that everything was just fine. Pretending that this was a happy moment. He let go of her hand and stormed out. When he closed the door, leaned against the wall and sat down on the floor, he could feel the tears trying to escape. He didn’t realize how much he wanted this before he was granted this false hope of a baby, only to see the future that could have been, disappear in front of his eyes. 

He couldn’t help himself with getting attached to the little blob on the screen. He had been trying so hard to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t anymore. He sniffled as he let all of his emotions out. All he wanted was to cry onto Phil’s shoulder, so he called him. 

“Phil?”

“Dan? Is everything all right?”

“Phil, can you come and pick me up?”

“Of course, right now?”

“Yes”

“Dan?” she poked her head out of the door. She sounded worried. He looked up at her, his face red and puffy and covered in tears. When she saw his face, she squatted down next to him. She grabbed him, pulled his body between her legs, and held his head close to her chest. He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Her embrace was all he had been missing the last two months. He wanted to be mad at her, wanted to be angry with her. But he couldn’t, not when she held him like that. Not when she made him feel safe and loved. Not when he finally felt like she understood. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into his hair. “I’m so sorry, Dan”

All he could do was cry. Again, it wasn’t just about the baby, it was also about her. She was all he ever wanted. She was perfect, and he realized he had been telling himself a lie when he said he was over her. He knew he had let her down so many times, and she had given him so many chances, but all he wanted was one more. He knew he couldn’t ask for one, he was just going to hurt her again. She had a heart too pure for her own good, and he wasn’t going to ruin that by asking for another chance. 

He felt like a burden to her. She was pregnant, tired and in pain, and he was the one sat crying on the floor like a little baby. He should have been the one comforting her. He had to pull himself together, appear brave and strong. If not forever; at least just know, just for her. 

“I need you to tell me exactly what you want me to do,” he said in a serious tone as he leaned out of her embrace and looked her in the eyes. “Do you want me to move with you? Do you want me to stay away from you? Do you want me to just hold your hand and tell you that everything will be okay and that you will be the best mother?” he hesitated before adding the last question. “Do you want me to tell them about you?”  
He didn’t have to explain who he meant when he said “them”, they both knew he meant the phandom.

“I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do. I don’t want you to tell them because it doesn’t matter anymore. It will never be us again, Dan. I wish it didn’t have to turn out like this, but I have to move on. I won’t lie, there were times in my life where I thought we would be together forever. Where I though all I ever could want was you. Where everything left for my life to be perfect was a baby and a wedding with you. But our relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us, and I’m so very sorry it ended up like that. I wish we could have worked out.”

“Me too” me mumbled, more to himself then to her. He looked to the ground.

“Dan!” Dan looked up. Phil was coming through the door. 

“Dan, are you okay?” they both got up from the floor as Phil came over to them. 

“Hi” Phil said and nodded politely towards her with a fake smile on his face. With the way she broke Dan’s heart, he didn’t have much to spare for her, even though he knew it was mostly his fault. After he had found out she was moving away with his baby, he liked her even less.

She noticed his unfriendly attitude and looked to the floor. Dan gave him a strict look. After all, she was carrying his child. Regardless of how much she has broken his heart, she deserved the respect.  
“I’m fine” he put on a smile. 

“Shall we go?” Phil said.

“Do you just want to finish?” she asked and looked at him.

“Yes” he smiled at her. “I’ll just be a few minutes” he said and looked at Phil.

He sat down in the waiting room as they went back into the doctor.

\--------------------

Dan didn’t feel like talking. In the car, he just wanted to sit close to Phil. He didn’t need the verbal comfort, he just wanted a break. He felt empty. His baby was okay, fine, healthy. His little bundle of joy were six months away, only they wouldn’t get to bring him the joy. She had told him after the doctor’s appointment what she wanted him to do, what was going to happen. She was going to move to her sister, far away from London. Far away from Dan. But she wanted him to build a relationship with them, wanted them to look at him as a father. She didn’t want to plan out how it would work out yet, but she has made it very clear that she didn’t want much to do with him, but she wanted the baby to. He didn’t know why she was like this. Why she insisted on building a relationship between Dan and the baby, when she clearly didn’t want to have anything to do with Dan herself. 

When they came home, Dan went straight to bed. He needed to get his head somewhere else, needed something to cheer him up. He asked if Phil wanted to watch anime with him in his bed. They laid there for what felt like hours, before their stomachs started sounding like dying whales. Phil offered to make dinner, which they ate in bed. It became a tradition for them after the doctor’s appointments because Dan always felt so empty and mentally tired. He needed a break. A break from her, the baby, the information, himself. But most of all he needed a break from being unhappy.


	3. Baby names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get to know the sex of their baby and their pick names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this!

“Here you see the head” Dr. Jones started from the top to show them that their baby was healthy.

Dan had taken the train early in the morning to get to be here for this. He didn’t want to miss this for the world. It was only a few weeks since she moved from London, but he already struggled with the fact that they were so far away. He couldn’t help her if she needed him, he didn’t get to see her. But the worst part, he didn’t get to be there to see his baby grow.

This was their third ultrasound, but he hadn’t gotten used to the feeling of seeing his little blob yet. The little blob that would be a person in just over four months. Dr. Jones had pointed at their hands and feet and said it looked like they had all the fingers and toes. 

“Do you want to know the sex of your child?” she always brought some positive vibes to their lives.

“Yes” they both said at the same time. They smiled at each other.

“You are having a little baby girl” Dr. Jones said and smiled.

She took her right hand to her mouth and gasped, her left hand still in his. She looked from Dan to the screen. Then back to Dan. He couldn’t help himself either. His entire face turned into the biggest smile. He though it seemed like she was at the verge of crying. And she was. A tear started rolling down her cheek. They would have a little daughter. 

“A daughter” he said.

“Yes” she laughed and she cried at the same time. 

\--------------------

“Do you want to take a coffee?” they were one their way out of the doctor’s office. He was holding the door for her. It was February already and the cold air and wind hit then like a glass door when they left the building. She stepped outside and made another loop with her scarf, before she turned around and looked him in the eyes.

“Dan”

“You know, just to spend some time together, maybe discuss names” over the past months he had gotten the feeling that she didn’t like to spend time with him and it seemed like she avoided small talk, and even him, as much as possible. He knew he had hurt her, and in the beginning, it was hard for him to see her too, but this was starting to get ridiculous. Even though they weren’t going to raise her together, they would still have to talk and work together from time to time. With this child, it wasn’t like she could avoid him forever. 

She shook her head. “I need to get going” the anger had been building up in him for so long now.

“I know I hurt you. I know I didn’t prioritize you. I know it’s my fault our relationship ended, and in the beginning, it was so hard to think about you or hear your name. But it’s been five months” he was so angry. He was so tired, so hurt. He was almost screaming at her. “I didn’t just lose my girlfriend that day, I lost my best friend. You were my best friend. Maybe even better than Phil. And then, one day, you just left. You can’t avoid me forever. We’re having a baby together, and whether you like it or not, we do have to talk to each other sometimes. I understand it must obviously be an inconvenience for you that I’m the father, and if that is really how you feel, I don’t understand why you even told me in the first place. I would rather not now about her at all, than to live with the fact that I have a daughter I never get to see or spend time with. Than to know you hate me so much, you are not even willing to try to make this work. Than to know you hate me so much, you thrive pleasure from watching me suffer through this.” He stopped. He didn’t know what more to say. First now, when the anger started leaving his body, replacing the adrenaline with hurt, he realized they were both crying. The realization with what he has just said to her washed over him like a cold gust. Oh my god, he didn’t mean that, did he?

“Daniel?”

“I-I’m so sorry. Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that”

“If you didn’t mean it, why would you say it?” the obvious pain in her voice was a stab to his chest. “You don’t understand, and I’m glad you don’t, but one day you will. I believe what I’m doing to be the best for all of us, and you might not see this now, but in the future, I hope you will look back at this and realize how wrong you were” she walked away, and he had never hated himself as much as he did just then.

\--------------------

He had cried on the train home that day. He couldn’t care less who saw or heard him. He had cried on Phil’s shoulder when he finally arrived home. Then he ended the day with crying himself to sleep. All along, he was thinking about what could have been; a happy couple expecting a healthy child. He had lost his girlfriend, his best friend, his soulmate, and now they were expecting a daughter together, and she could barely look at him. How he had ruined it even more by yelling at her. He hated her, he hated himself, he hated the world and how unfair it had been to him. 

He thought she wouldn’t call him again. He didn’t even let it cross his mind, because after how he treated her the last time, he just expected her to not want him there. But she called and asked if he wanted to come with, and of course he said yes. She even asked if he wanted to go out for lunch afterwards to discuss names, and of course he said yes to that too. 

When he first laid eyes on her, he thought she looked pale. She wasn’t usually a very tanned girl, especially not in March, but she was unusually pale. And even though her stomach kept getting bigger, the rest of her body kept getting skinnier. He didn’t say it out loud, but she looked really bad, almost sick, he thought. He brushed it away, blaming the pregnancy and the growing fetus inside of her. After all, he had seen Twilight; she could have looked a lot worse. 

To summarize what Dr. Jones had said: their baby girl was perfect. Not that she needed to tell him that, because he already knew. But she was as healthy as she could be, and that was all that mattered. 

He had apologized a hundred times by the time they got to the café. She has forgiven him rather easily, and he didn’t understand why. She did not deserve the way he has treated her, what he said to her. 

They ordered food and something hot to drink. It was a cold afternoon, and all they wanted was some warmth in their bodies. They chatted a little bit, before she brought up the real reason they were there.

“Names” she said shortly.

“Yes” he said. He was nervous. He didn’t want to suggest anything she would think was stupid.

“What do you want to name her?”

“I don’t know. Do you have any suggestions?”

“I think you should choose,” she said.

“Why? You are the one that gets to be her parent for real”

“I want you to. I want her to have a name that you like”

“Let’s brainstorm and say any suggestions that we like,” he suggests. 

“Okay, Eleanor” 

“Oh, I really love that” he says, before getting a stare from her. “Yes, right. Ehm… Leah”

“Olivia”

“Sophie”

“Emily” she tried. 

“Sarah”

“Daisy”

“I don’t have any more,” he said. 

“I really like Sophie”

“I love Eleanor”

“Me too. Sophie Eleanor?”

“What about Leah Eleanor?”

“I really like Leah, but I think Sophie fits better with Eleanor”

“Okay. Do we agree then?”

“Are you sure you love it?”

“Yes” he said, but he keeps wondering. Why does it matter? She would be the one who had to live with a name that she may or may not hate for the rest of her life. Why would she want a reminder of him in her daughter's name, when it obviously wanted as little as possible to do with him? He decided not to ask again. 

After that, they kept talking about anything and everything. But not for long, because after about half an hour, she said she had to go. 

He left the café with her. He gave her a hug and was about to leave when she stopped him.

“Dan, there is something I need to tell you” she sounded very nervous. Her voice was shaking and she looked to the ground. She bit her lip and started playing with her fingers. What she was about to tell him made her very uncomfortable, and he could read it from her entire body. He was scared.

“Yes?” his heart was beating so fast. 

“First of all, I want you to know I did this out of love. I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to hurt you. As I’ve told you already, I believed it to be the best option not to tell you sooner" she took a deep breath. "I know I had no right to keep it from you and then just throw it at you with so little time to prepare, but I just couldn’t get myself to say anything” she had started crying and she was shaking. He walked over and hugged her, holding her tight to his chest. As tight as he could, anyways, with her bump in between them. This was really a rather beautiful moment, he thought, until she said her last sentence. Until she told him her secret. Until she said something he never thought he would hear from her. Until she just blurted it out in between sobs. Until she said the one last word of her sentence that made his entire world crash around him.

 

“I’m dying of cancer”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if this is not what you wanted at all.... I promise there will be more explaining from her pov in the next chapter
> 
> Also, I'm sorry about the name. I know Sophie Eleanor is really stupid, and I hate that it had to be stupid, but I love both the names separately, and I promise she will only be using one of them!


	4. Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She explains a little bit

He wasn’t going to know. He wasn’t supposed to get hurt. She was supposed to move away and never see him again, and then her sister was going to call him and tell him she was dead. And he was going to be sad, but it wouldn’t be that hard, because he would already be over her. But then she became pregnant. Suddenly she had his baby inside of her, and he was going to have to raise her on his own, because she would be dead. But how would she tell him? She didn’t want him to get attached to her again, or feel sorry for her. She was over two months pregnant when she told him because she didn’t know how. She didn’t know what to do. 

She was going to slowly drift away from everyone she knew, before she eventually died and no one would really be that sad about it. And it had worked out great. She had started being more distant towards Dan, yelling at him over small things, until she eventually broke up with him. And even though he took it hard, he could have taken it harder. She thought he saw it coming, and maybe he did a little bit. She stopped taking initiative towards her friends, and she could feel them losing touch as well. It had been going on for months before she finally broke it off with Dan. Then she was on her own, ready to die. Then the morning sickness and the lacking period, and she thought it was just side effects of her treatment. She didn’t want the thought of a baby to even cross her mind, but it did, and she took a test. In the beginning, it was mostly just to prove to herself that she wasn’t pregnant, but then the test was positive, and she was.  
She couldn’t just not tell him and then, when she eventually died, which she knew she would, she would leave a little baby at his door step. She had to tell him, and she did. After she found out, she quickly decided she wanted him to be a part of the pregnancy. She didn’t want them to bond again, but she wanted him to have experienced the pregnancy too. If it would be his child after birth, it should be his before birth too. She knew he would want to get together again for the sake of the baby, and she would have been more than willing to. If it weren’t for the fact that she was dying, they probably would have.

It was hard keeping a straight face. She even tried her best to be mean to him, push him further away. It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t work. Dan was a great person and he would do anything for both her and their baby, even after she broke his heart. She would let him come to her doctor’s appointments, so he could see how their daughter was doing. But that was it. When he was crying, she would comfort him, because she couldn’t stay away, but she knew in her heart it just hurt them both even more. She tried to talk to him as little as possible, only short texts and not calling about the appointments. No small talk in the waiting rooms, no sharing a ride, no going out for coffee. The one time they went out for lunch, she saw it more as a necessity, rather than for pleasure. She wanted him to pick the name, and it was the only way she would get him to. It would be his daughter, he should be the one to name her.  
Then she moved. She invited him to her appointments even after that, and when he could make it, he came. It was a long travel both ways, and she felt so guilty, but he insisted. She couldn’t say no to him, and she didn’t know if she should. He was, unknowingly at that point, going to have to raise their baby alone. He, of all people, should be able to see her before she was born. Maybe it was more his right than hers, even, considering he was the one that got to see her grow up also after she was born.

She wanted to tell him so many times, wanted to prepare him for what was ahead. But she just couldn’t. She didn’t want him to insist on spending the last days with her. If it hadn’t been for the pregnancy, she probably would have killed herself after she had made a distance between her and everyone she cared about, so they wouldn’t want to spend her dying days with her. So she didn’t have to have dying days at all.

But then the pregnancy happened, and she had to talk to Dan from time to time. In the last months, she was so close to dying, she didn’t want him to see her. She was kept alive purely for the baby. There were so many machines hocked to her body to keep her breathing, simply because the baby might not be strong enough to survive. She was in horrible pain most of the time, the cancer eating her up from within. The doctors couldn’t give her much painkillers, in fear of the baby. She didn’t want them to either. If this baby was all she would ever contribute to this world, she wanted her to be perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is really short compared to the other chapters (I usually like them around 1700-1800 words), but I guess I just want you to get used to the thought of her having cancer and not get too much right now... I don't know.  
> But the next chapter will probably be longer that usual to make it up to you!
> 
> Anyways, next chapter is going to include Phil some more, as he haven't been a part of this fic so much yet, but he is going to be :)


	5. Telling Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan tells Phil

Again, Dan had cried on the train home. He couldn’t see the positive in the situation. Yes, he would finally have his baby all by himself, but right now, the sacrifice seemed so much greater than the reward. She would have to die. She was going to die. She hadn’t told him much, except that she wouldn’t live to see their baby grown up, maybe only to be born. She didn’t want him in her life anymore. She had said that he was to stay away. He would get to be there whenever there were anything about the baby, but the rest of the time, he was to stay in London and not spare her a thought. She had said that their daughter would be his full time. If he wanted to, of course. And he said that of course he would take on the job of raising her, when she had done the job of creating her. And they had cried in the parking lot. Together. In each other’s arms. She seemed to have come to terms with the fact that she was going to die and leave her daughter behind with Dan. He hadn’t yet.

It was a slow walk home from the train station. He didn’t want to move his legs, didn’t want this day to be real at all. He had started to get over her, but only with the fact that they were over and that she had moved away. When he found out she was going to die, it ripped his healing wounds back up. He had started to be fine with the fact that she wasn’t his girlfriend anymore; he wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that she wouldn’t be anything to him anymore. 

He approached their apartment. The streets seemed so much grayer. They had lived here for years now, but never had the streets seemed so empty. When he got inside the door, he didn’t feel like shouting hello, like they always did when they came home. Phil had heard him enter and appeared on the top of the stairs. When he didn’t hear Dan’s greeting, he suspected something was wrong.

“Dan?” he said. Dan glared up at him. His face was filled with sadness, and Phil, of all people, could tell right away. “Are you okay?”

Dan didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Saying it out loud would make it real, and he desperately didn’t want it to. He started walking up the stairs. When he reached the top, he stopped next to Phil. He looked him in the eyes. Phil knew what he needed and stretched out his arms. Dan erased the space between them and wrapped his arms around Phil’s torso. He buried his face in Phil’s neck and let it all out. He cried, tears streaming down his face, coughs of pain escaping his lips. 

Phil had wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders. He couldn’t help but hate her. Hate is a strong word, but he hated her. He didn’t know what she had done or said this time to make him like this. He was usually an emotional mess when he came home from seeing her, but this was a whole new level. He had never seen Dan so miserable. In all their years together, Phil had maybe seen Dan so devastated one time; when his grandmother died. He wasn’t even sure Dan was this bad back then. This must have been bad; really bad. He really loved her, and even though Dan had told himself (and Phil) so many times that he was over her, Phil knew better. Phil knew that Dan had given her his heart, and only one in control of your heart can do this to you. Phil feared the worst; that she had taken advantage of the control that Dan had unwillingly given her over him. Ever since she broke Dan’s heart, Phil had disliked her strongly, but now, with a violently crying Dan in his arms, he really hated her.

Dan pulled his face out of Phil’s shoulder. He felt disgusting, tears, snot and drool all over his face. He stared at Phil’s shoulder and Phil followed his look. 

“I’m sorry” “Don’t worry about it” they said at the same time. They smiled. Phil was so happy he had made Dan smile, because at least it was a step in the right direction. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked. Dan, who had stopped crying, felt the tears pressing again. He didn’t want to discuss it, but he wanted Phil to know. He didn’t want to say it out loud, he just wanted Phil to magically know. 

“You don’t have to, I won’t pressure you,” Phil added when Dan didn’t say anything, just stared at him. 

“She…” Dan couldn’t get himself to continue. Dan could feel Phil getting angry. He knew Phil didn’t like her and he felt he had to add something so the theories wouldn’t start creating themselves in his head. 

“She has cancer” he wanted to avoid the c-word, but the d-word was worse. He could hear Phil gaps before he quickly pulled him back in his arms. Dan let his head rest on Phil’s shoulder, sniffling. 

“She has had cancer for a long time. The reason she broke it off with me, the reason she moved away. They had to stop the treatment when she found out she was pregnant. She had short time left either way, so she made them do whatever they had to do to make sure the baby was okay. She didn’t care if it shortened her life. She gave it all, Phil. She sacrificed some extra time on Earth for our baby. She is in terrible condition now, and she will probably be admitted to the hospital soon, for the rest of her life. The doctors will do anything they can to keep the baby in there for as long as possible,” he said. He was talking slowly, making sure his sentences made sense. He felt empty on the inside, like a machine repeating what she had told him hours earlier. “But they say she’ll probably not make it to term. They might have to get her out early”

“Her?” Phil said, not quite understanding who he was talking about. After letting the word leave his lips, he realize he must be referring to the baby.

“We’re having a baby girl” Dan smiled as he looked up as his best friend. “Sophie Eleanor”

“Congratulations!”

“You realize what this means, right?” Dan said worried. He could tell from Phil’s questioning look that he hadn’t. “She’s all mine” he didn’t mean to seem so possessive. “I have to raise her alone”

“No. Not alone” Phil said after a short silence. “I’m here. I will always be right here by your side.”

“Phil, I’m not going to ruin your life by forcing a baby on you”

“Who said anything about ruining my life? I want to help you” Phil said and looked to the ground. 

“You would want to do that?” Dan felt a huge relief. The mental backpack had been getting heavier and heavier ever since he realized this would be his baby, not hers. 

“We could be co-dads” he looked up at Dan again and smiled.

“Are you serious?” Dan asked, a shocked look on his face. He didn’t want to get too excited before Phil confirmed it once more. He had worried about every single possible negative outcome of every single possible situation that may or may not occur in the next 20 years of his life, on the train ride home. He had been shaking at the thought that all the responsibility of Sophie becoming a functioning adult was in his hands alone. How was he supposed to make sure she grew up to become something he couldn’t even be himself?

“I would do anything for you, Dan, even help you raise your daughter” as Phil finished his sentence, Dan could feel his heart beating faster, so much weight lifted from his shoulders, and he felt tears of gratitude trying to escape. His face lit up and he pulled Phil in for another hug. 

“Thank you” he whispered into his shoulder. 

____________________

Later that evening they were sitting in their living room eating take-away pizza, discussing how they would be able to raise an infant only a few months from then. They talked about moving, which they realized they had to do eventually. They talked about fans, agreeing on not telling them about her. They talked about YouTube, stay-home-dad and income. They talked about diapers and formula, waking up at night, crying. After hours of just talking, Dan felt so much better. 

When he first realized he had to do this alone, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to take care of himself, let alone a baby; an infant. He felt hopeless and alone. He was so scared. He had panicked. But now, after talking to Phil, he felt like he could actually do this. Dan and Phil would do this together. Dan would be the “stay-home-dad” that mainly took care of her, but Phil would be there as much as he needed him. Phil would help him as much as he could, being like a second dad to her. Dan needed all the help he could get, not knowing a thing about babies. He had talked to his mom. She had calmed him, saying she would come stay with them if he needed her too. He had called Louise. He figured he needed an experienced parent not too far away. Phil had called his mom, who, even though she wouldn’t really be one, acted like an excited grandmother. Talking to the strong women in their lives gave them confidence about being able to do this. 

____________________

“Is this Daniel Howell?” the voice on the other side of the phone sounded serious. 

“Yes” 

“This is doctor Young” Dan started thinking the worst, blocking out the person on the other end. This had to be about her. He hadn’t heard anything in over a month when he decided to try and call her sister. She said she was in the hospital, and that she was in very bad condition. She was kept alive for the baby, but she was in constant pain. She said they would try to do a C-section as soon as possible, only not too soon. She said it would probably be a month. That was three weeks ago. 

“Mr. Howell?”

“Yes, sorry”

“As I said, her condition is worsening every single day, and it would only put the baby in greater risk to wait much longer. If you have the possibility to be here Thursday, we would like to do the C-section then.”

“I can be there Thursday,” he said. Two days. He would have a living, breathing baby all by himself in two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the beginning, like the first chapter, I loved this fic, but now, I don't know anymore... I just don't think I write it well enough


	6. Sophie Eleanor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Sophie is born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it! I know it's kind of sad and stuff, but also cute. I got myself in a sad mood to write some of this actually
> 
> I had to research how c-sections are done, and this website had a "featured video" of someone giving birth and at 1 am I was everything but ready for that...
> 
> Also, I wrote almost the entire thing yesterday and I have a history assignment that I have barely started with that is due tomorrow, so be grateful!

“Who was it?” Phil came into the kitchen where Dan hadn’t moved since he answered the call. Dan looked up at him.

“It was the hospital. They’re doing the C-section on Thursday. Her condition is so bad they need to get her out as soon as possible” he paused. “Since she is a little small, they might need to keep her in the hospital for a week, maybe two, but we will basically have a baby on Thursday.”

“Two days?” Phil said, a little shocked. He knew it could be any day now, but he hadn’t given it much thought. 

“Do we have everything we need?” Dan asked. He felt more mentally prepared than Phil did. A crib had been standing in Dan’s room over a week already. They had cleaned out half a shelf in the kitchen for formula. In their bathroom, they had stocked up on diapers. He had emptied a drawer for her and the huge amount of clothes they had bought her.

“I think so,” Phil said, going through his mental list. 

“Should we go there today?” Dan wanted to be there for her as much as she would let him.

“We can go tomorrow, it’s getting late”

“Because you are coming with me?” Dan felt guilty for just presuming. 

“Dan, of course”

“Should we pack something, then?”

“That’s probably a good idea” Phil turned around and walked out of the kitchen to his room. Dan followed. 

“Phil, how long do you think we’re staying?”

“I think it depends on her condition. I would hate to go back home with Sophie while she could still spend time with her”

“Me too. But the doctor made it sound very serious, and with Sophie having to stay in the hospital for a week or two, I don’t think she will keep on much longer” he felt the physical pain in his chest as he finished his sentence. He had started to come to terms with the fact that Sophie would be his and Phil’s to raise, and not hers. The fact that she would not be a part of their lives ever again. But it still hurt. He didn’t cry anymore, as he felt empty of tears, but he could still feel it in his body. Phil looked at him with endless sympathy in his eyes. It had been weeks since he had stopped hugging Dan in these moments, as it always made him cry even more. 

“Three weeks then, just in case?”

“Yeah” Dan said and walked to his room.

\--------------------

The next morning they were on the train. It was 11 am, but to Dan and Phil that was early. They had a suitcase each. Dan’s was filled mostly with baby clothes and stuff for his daughter, while Phil had let him borrow a fair amount of his suitcase for his own clothes. They were staring out of the window at the landscape passing by. None of them really felt like talking. The trees and open fields felt calming, and calm was all they really needed now. 

After having dropped off their stuff in their hotel room, they went to the hospital. They had picked up some yellow roses on the way. Dan was hoping she would let them in. She did. Her sister was there, as she had apparently been for the last months. Dan couldn’t help but hate that her sister got to be there for her when he didn’t. He wanted so badly to do whatever he could to make the situation better for her. According to her, that was for him to stay in London and live his normal life. 

“Hi” Dan said in a soft voice as he walked over to her. Phil stayed by the door. “I brought you these”

“They are beautiful” she smiled and looked up at him. She looked terrible. Her skin was pale, almost grey. Her eyelids were heavy. She was skinnier than he remembered, even though her bump was a lot bigger. He stopped by her bed and put a hand on her forehead before stoking her hair.

“You look beautiful as always” he smiled down at her. She sigh at him.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Daniel”

“It’s good to see you. How are you?”

“It’s good to see you too. I’m doing terrible, but you must already know that since you’re here”

“I know” he had let his hand down by his side and she took it in hers. He feels the tears pressing. He tries to smile, but the first drop starts rolling down his cheeks.

“Come here” she says and opens her arms. He leans down into her embrace and lets go of the restraints he has kept himself in for weeks. A violent sob escapes his lips and tears stream down his face. He doesn’t know it, but she cries too. This is exactly what she didn’t want. She didn’t want to hurt him with her illness. “Daniel, I’m so sorry” she said and he couched out a broken laugh.

“It’s not your fault. I just wish you would have let me spend you last year with you” he immediately regretted saying it, feeling like he was making her feel bad. “I love you,” he added to make it sound nicer.

“I love you too, Daniel. I always have, and I always will. Until the day I die,” she said, ending it with a small laugh. He stood back up and smiled at her. He couldn’t help but laugh at how inappropriate the joke was. Phil unintentionally made a noise.

“Hello to you too, Philip” she smiled at him. She knew he hated her, or at least disliked her, but these days she couldn’t care less. 

“Hello” he said and walked over to her bed. He stopped next to Dan. “Good to see you”

“Please don’t pretend, Phil, I know you don’t like me” she smiled.

“You left this mess of a person, of course I would dislike you” he nodded towards Dan and smiled. 

“I wasn’t that bad” Dan tried to proclaim. Phil didn’t want to overstep, so instead of saying anything, he smiled and gave him a look. 

“So, how are you doing things?” she asked. They hadn’t really discussed anything with her regarding raising Sophie.

“We’ll stay in the London-apartment for now, and Phil is going to help me with her” 

“Having you two as dads, she really is a lucky girl”

“We’ll have to move eventually, but we’ll wait until she is a little older,” Phil said. They hadn’t discussed it much in detail, but Phil knew he would come with if Dan needed him to. 

“Thank you so much for doing this. Again, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about it earlier so you could prepare more. I was so scared you wouldn’t do it. Most of me knew you would, but there was this voice in the back of my head who kept telling me you wouldn’t. My sister said she could take her if you didn’t want to, but I knew it wasn’t what she wanted. I’m eternally grateful. To you both”

“I would never say no to my baby girl” he smiled at her, and Phil couldn’t help but feel like a third wheel.

\--------------------

“Are you ready” Dan asked her. It was Thursday and they were in the OR. She had gotten her anesthesia while Dan was waiting in the hall with Phil, her sister and her parents. They had shown up, even though she wasn’t sure they would. 

“Yes” she said and looked at him. She smiled. He was wearing scrubs and she thought he looked ridiculous. So did he.

The doctors started doing what they do. He really didn’t want to know. He was holder her hand, petting her hair and looking into her eyes, always with a smile on his face. Finally he could hear something that sounded like a baby.

“It’s a baby girl,” one of the nurses announced and Dan’s smile got a little wider. 

“Would you like to hold her for a minute?” a nurse was talking to Dan.

“Yes” he looked at her and then he got up and walked over to the nurse. She was so small. He was overwhelmed with emotions as he held this tiny breathing person in his arms. His tiny breathing person. He had made this. This was him. This was his. This was a blank canvas that he could color whatever way he wanted. This was his person to shape and form.

“Mr. Howell?” his thoughts were interrupted by a nurse. He looked up at her with a wondering look on his face. “We need to measure her now”

“Yes, of course” he handed her over to the nurse.

“What is her name?” the nurse asked.

“Sophie Eleanor” she answered before Dan could. 

“Interesting choice. Very pretty though” the nurse responded as she was rocking their baby back and forth in her arm. “Do you want to come with me as I do this?” she asked Dan.

“No, I’m fine” he much rather wanted to stay there with her. That morning the doctors had told them that their baby would probably need to stay in the hospital for about a week, and that she would hopefully survive that long, but they couldn’t promise anything. He thought it was a little harsh, but she had asked for the naked truth. She was fine with the info. She told Dan she would hang on as long as Sophie had to stay in the hospital, then she would give up, letting them go on with their lives in London. Dan had kissed her hand, left the room and cried in the bathroom. 

\--------------------

Dan was sat in her room, but she was sleeping. Phil was in the cafeteria getting them some food. He was alone with his daughter, holding her in his arms. Looking down at the sleeping baby, he couldn’t help but smile.

“Your mum wanted your name to be Sophie, because it’s the name I picked out” he paused. “But however painful it is to say it, she won’t have anything to say about what I call you. I hate going against her wished, but you, little princess, is going to be an Eleanor" he paused again, smiling. “Little Ellie”


	7. When you love someone but it goes to waste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her last moments, and the trainride home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back with the Coldplay lyrics... 
> 
> I'm so sorry I didn't post on Wednesday (if you haven't noticed I've been posting Wednesdays and Sundays) and also this Wednesday I might not post, as I'm going to tatinof Stockhold on Tuesday (!)
> 
> WARNING (and spoiler) there is someone who dies :/

Ellie was in her little plastic box next to her bed. She was nine days old now. She had had nine days with her mother. A mother that couldn’t hold on any longer. She was laid in her bed, tubes in her nose. She was looking into Dan’s deep brown eyes, holding his hand. She had told him that this was the day. When he came that morning, she had said this would be her last. She had tried to hold on for as long as possible, but she couldn’t anymore. She was in constant pain, every fiber of her body wanted to die, was ready to let go. Ellie was the only thing that had kept her going. The doctors had said they could release Ellie that day, so her mother was ready to go. Dan sat by her side in her last minutes.

“I’ve always loved you, Dan” it was all she managed to say. All the strength had left her body a long time ago, all the spark in her eyes was reduced to emptiness. She had trouble breathing, struggling to inhale air. She was crying. 

“I will always love you” Dan responded. His face soaked in tears. The sleeves of his sweater was wet where he had dried his face so many times over the last few hours. Her hand was in his, but they were laying on the bed, as she had nothing left to give. Her chest has rising slower for every minute. They both knew it was very little time left. Dan let go of her hand and got up.

“Dan?” she said, using all her energy on saying his name. He walked fast around her bed and picked up their daughter. He put her down on the arm that he had been holding only moments earlier. He took his phone out of his pocket. 

“Can you look me in the eyes and smile, and just be your adorable self?”

“Dan…”

“I want a last picture of Ellie with her mom. Please?” he said. She used all the strength left in her body to form her face into a smile. She looked into the camera, into Dan’s eyes, and lastly at their daughter. What she didn’t know was that Dan wasn’t taking pictures, he was filming. 

“That’s great. Thank you” he said and sat down next to her again, taking her hand in his. The little family sat like that for a long time, until she closed her eyes for the last time. He could see her chest rising one last time. He got up, leaned in and cupped her face in his free hand.

“I love you,” he said. He wanted that to be the last thing she heard before drifting into eternity. He kissed her lips one final time. Her chest stopped moving and he knew it was over. She was freed of suffering. He sat back down, eyes overflowed with tears. His whole body hurt and a physical pain spread through his chest. With his left hand in hers, he clutched the sheets with his right hand as cries of pain escaped his lips. He would never be ready for this. 

“PHIL” he yelled trough his cries. He knew his best friend was sitting right outside the door. Or at least he hoped so. 

“Dan” he opened the door and quickly walked over to him. His eyes were filled with tears as well. “I’m so sorry”

Dan couldn’t say anything, only noises of pain leaving his mouth. Phil squatted down next to Dan and pulled him in for a hug. Dan let go of her to embrace the only rock he had left in his life. He clenched Phil’s shirt and leaned his head on his shoulder. Dan slid out of the chair and down in the floor with Phil, still keeping their bodies close. 

The nurses left them alone for as long as they could. Her sister and parents had come in to say goodbye as well, while Dan and Phil was still on the floor. He couldn’t be bothered with moving. Phil sat on the floor with his back against her bed. Dan sat next to him, Phil’s arm around his shoulder. Finally, they had to leave. Dan picket up his daughter who was wrapped in a blanket. He cradled her as they walked out. They could leave now. They could go home to London. Dan wasn’t ready. He sat down in a chair just outside her door, his daughter sleeping peacefully in his arms. He wasn’t crying anymore, just staring at nothing. Phil sat down next to him and stared at the same nothing. Then Ellie started crying. Dan lifted her up and put her on his chest, her head by his face. He cradled her and whispered quiet “shush” noises at her. 

“She might be hungry,” Phil said. Dan looked at him with a look that screamed ‘help’. “I’ll go see what I can do”

“It’s okay, I’ll come with you,” Dan said. They got up and walked to find some food for her. Dan didn’t feel like speaking so he just followed Phil. Once they had been able to make her a bottle of formula, they sat down in some chairs. He had done this a couple of times before, so it went easy. Dan looked up at his best friend across from him. He was staring at Ellie, his entire face soft with love. It was Phil’s daughter too, and they both knew they would be co-dads. 

“Do you want to do it?” Dan asked, suspecting Phil was slightly jealous of his biological relation to the adorable baby girl in his arms. Dan didn’t want it to be a difference in their relation to her. They would both be her dad equally, and for that to happen, Phil should feed her too. 

“Oh, no, I’m okay” he said, despite the fact that his face has lit up when he heard the question. 

“I don’t care” Dan smiled. He got up, walked across the little space between their chairs, and carefully handed the little bundle over to his friend. He smiled as he saw how carefully Phil held her, treating her she would break with the slightest touch. As he laid her head on his left arm, he gave him the bottle in his right. He sat down next to them, leaning his head against the wall for a second before leaning forward again, looking at them with a smile on his face. 

\--------------------

It had been a week. They had been to her funeral. Ellie had mostly staid quiet, and the one time she didn’t, Phil offered to go out with her. Dan was grateful as he felt it would be inappropriate for him to leave in the middle of the ceremony. That was two days ago. Now they sat on the train back to London, Ellie sleeping in his arms, Phil sleeping in the seat across from him. Although she was mostly sleeping during the day, she was awake a lot more during the night. Dan was tired, but she stayed awake to look over his little family. Even though he and Phil weren’t romantically involved, he considered them a family now; two dads and their baby girl. As he was staring out the window, he heard someone talking to him. He turned his head to see an old lady smiling at him.

“Is this seat taken?” she asked.

“No. We just have a lot of stuff, I’m so sorry” he tried to apologize for the fact that they were occupying almost four seats with their bags and stroller. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart, I don’t mind” she sounded like a proper British lady. She looked like one as well, with her curly, grey hair, glasses, coat and skirt. He tried to push the stroller out of the way without dropping Ellie. The old lady sat down, but their stuff still took up too much space. He struggled and the old lady noticed.

“Do you want me to help you? I could hold you baby if you’d want” she said and smiled at him. He really didn’t want to bother this lady more than he already had, but he could see that she couldn’t sit comfortably with the stroller right in front of her face. He couldn’t move it either, because their bags were in the way. But the last thing he wanted was to wake Phil, who hadn’t slept much the last week.

“Would you mind? I would really like to move our things so you could get some more leg space” 

“Oh, not at all, young man, I absolutely adore babies” she was such a stereotypical old lady. He carefully handed his most precious over to her before getting up. He picked the bag up from the floor and stacked it on top of the one in the seat next to Phil. That way he could move the stroller closer to the seat, and there would be more space in front of the woman. As he sat back down, he looked at what was happening next to him. 

“What is her name?” the lady asked. Dan and Phil had agreed not to push gender roles on their daughter, so she was wearing a white onesie with a giraffe on it. She must have figured out her gender from the pink-polka-dotted blanket in her stroller, a gift from Ellie’s aunt. 

“Ellie” he smiled.

“What a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl” she exclaimed. “Is that your husband?” she asked nodding towards Phil. Although he wasn't gay himself, Dan was happy to notice no sign of homophobia in her voice.

“No, he is just a friend helping me out” he said, looking over at Phil with love and admiration in his eyes. 

“Where is you mum, little lady?” she said, more to Ellie than to him as she tickled her belly. Dan could feel a lump in his throat, as he did not want to explain it to this sweet woman. 

“Ehm, she’s not around anymore,” he said as he swallowed. She had been gone almost a week already, and his wounds were still open. He had tried to keep his mind off her for as much as possible, and even though it felt cruel, it made him a little happier, a little more able to enjoy his daughter. 

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to be nosy. I’m so sorry for your loss” she tried to apologize. Dan just smiled at her while he felt the tears well up in his eyes again. He inhaled trough his nose and looked out of the window again as the English countryside passed by. 

“You look tired; you should try and get some sleep. I understand this may seem very stressful to you, and the first months often are. I have three children and eight grandchildren, I would know,” she laughed. Dan must have looked terrified, because she quickly added, “you can hold her if you want, and then I can just make sure you don’t drop her. I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving my child to a stranger either, I understand”

“Thank you” he wanted to decline politely, but he was so tired, and he needed the sleep. He got his daughter back in his arms and leaned back in his seat. After he closed his eyes, he must have drifted off within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It got a bit longer than usual since I don't know if I like the part about the old lady. At first i questioned why I even added her at all, but I guess it's fine. She brings a little bit of happiness, being noting but a sweet, old lady
> 
> Also, the thing where he taked a video and tells her to "be her adorable self" is a direct copy from the incident at their first ultra sound, I just thought it would be really sweet
> 
> And one last thing, for all of you who've read this far: where would you want the fic to go? I feel like it need some action maybe, or would you just want for it to be Dan and Phil raising Ellie? I would really appreciate your input! I'm not sure where I want it to head, so this is your change of stearing it in the direction you want it to go!


	8. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get off the train and go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month and I'm so sorry. I don't know what I want the fic to be about or where i want it to go. Therefore I'll post two short chapters today, and then I don't know. I guess this fic will turn into one shots of Ellie growing up, and I would love for you to come with requests. Actually, I kind of need you to send me requests, as I currently have no idea what to write about as I don't know what you want. There will be more chapters, but only if you ask for it ;)

He was waking up, trying to blink away the sleep. As his head came back to normal, he realized there was no longer a warm lump in his arms. Ellie wasn’t in his arms. His eyes shut open, immediately looking to the seat next to him, where the old lady was no longer seated. The panic hit him hard and his heartbeat started to rise. 

“Dan!” Dan quickly looked to where the voice were coming from. It was Phil. He must have noticed Dan’s manic search for his daughter and couldn’t help but think it was kind of sweet. 

“Phil?” Dan had started to calm down, but still didn’t understand. Phil lifted something from his lap and it took Dan a few seconds to realize it was his daughter. “Phil, you bloody idiot. When did you take her?”

“When I woke up, an old lady was sitting next to you. She told me she had told you to sleep and that she would look after Ellie. Shortly after she was getting off, so I took her from you, so you could sleep better. You have slept for a long time, we’re almost in London”

“London” Dan said to no one in particular and as if he’d just now realized. 

“Yeah. Home” Phil said. Their home. The one Dan and Phil had shared for so many years already. One more person would now occupy it. This would be Ellie’s home as well.

They were getting close to London now, and started packing together their stuff. Phil handed Ellie over to Dan and he carefully put her in her stroller. Phil put on the backpack; Dan threw a bag on his shoulder and started moving the stroller towards the door. Shortly after the doors opened. It felt symbolic as Dan walked out of the doors with the now two most important people in his life. Walking onto the train station felt like a metaphor to walking into the rest of his life. This would be his life now. Now and forever. Dan and Ellie. And Phil. Even though Dan wanted it to be “Dan and Phil and Ellie”, and it was right now, it wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t, and Dan knew it. 

\--------------------

They were in their hallway now. It was too small for all of this. Dan picked his daughter up. He had gotten so good at it now. It almost felt automatic to slide his hands by her sides and then lead eight fingers behind her head. He would keep his thumbs under her arms for support, lifting her up and leading her to his shoulder. It felt calming having her near him. Her breathing affected him in ways he never could imagine. He could sit for hours with his sleeping baby on his chest. Her small chest raising and sinking, her tiny lips slightly parted, her eyes closed peacefully. She looked ready for the world. She seemed so strong and so fit for the fight. She was resting, saving up energy for the rest of her life. Dan, on the other hand, didn’t know how ready he was. He would never be ready for it, he thought for himself. She wouldn’t be this small and adorable forever, even though Dan was pretty sure she would be the most adorable person in the world. If she looked anything like her mother, she would be melting hearts. Oh, all the boys or girls he would have to look out for when the time came. 

As he walked up the stairs, he felt the hot breath on his neck. Usually he would have hated it, but it was Ellie, and he couldn’t hate anything about her. Just her presence made him feel calm and content. His heart felt like it had doubled in size. The constant little butterflies in his stomach whenever he looked at her. He could stare at her forever. His favorite hobby the past weeks had been to simply fade out while looking at her sleeping. She wasn’t awake much, but when she opened her beautiful, for now blue, eyes, he could feel his heart melting in his chest. Only, his heart wasn’t really in his chest anymore, it was in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this fic will turn into one shots of Ellie growing up, and I would love for you to come with requests. Actually, I kind of need you to send me requests, as I currently have no idea what to write about as I don't know what you want. There will be more chapters, but only if you ask for it ;)


	9. Plush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this fic will turn into one shots of Ellie growing up, and I would love for you to come with requests. Actually, I kind of need you to send me requests, as I currently have no idea what to write about as I don't know what you want. There will be more chapters, but only if you ask for it ;)
> 
> Here is a one shot is inspired by a tumblr post: http://s13.favim.com/610/160212/amazingphil-dan-howell-danisnotonfire-internet-Favim.com-3988823.jpg 
> 
> And also thanks to Sharon for asking for something fluff :)

Ellie's age: three weeks

Dan had left the house. More specifically, Phil had forced Dan to leave the house. Dan had spent every waking minute with his daughter and Phil insisted that he needed a break, and that he was very capable of watching her a few hours alone while Dan got some space. Dan had ended up at the mall. He didn’t know where to go. Even before Ellie, he never left the house much. He had gone in the toy store. He wanted to get her something. Anything, really, but he wanted it to be special. He kept walking up and down the aisles, feeling like a little child again. There were dolls and doll houses, and there were action figures and lego. He must have looked lost, because an employee came over and asked if he needed help.

“What do you buy a three week old baby?”

“Boy or girl?” she said. She was a young girl, maybe about 20 years old. She was a lot shorter than Dan, her brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. 

“It’s for my daughter”

“Well, congratulations!” she said and Dan managed to add a quiet “thank you” before she continued. 

“The baby section is over here,” she said and started walking. He followed her. “You could buy her a gym if you don’t have one”

“A gym?” Dan said confused. 

“Like one of these. It’s a mat and arches with things dangling from them” she tried her best to explain. 

“Oh, we have one of those” he said. “I just want something simple”

“You could get her a plush” she said and let him over to an entire wall of plushies of different characters and animals. He tilted his head back and his eyes kept searching for the perfect one. On his way down, he saw it. It was a medium sized llama. It was slightly baby pink, on the verge of white, with a red bow by the left ear. It was perfect. He stretched for it, standing on the tip of his toes. When he reached it with his fingers, he knew it was the one. It was one of the softest thing he had felt in his life. It was perfect. As he took it in his hands and stared at it, his heart felt swollen with love. He was so happy. He finally had a child to give cute plushies to. Oh, how he never knew this was all he ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this fic will turn into one shots of Ellie growing up, and I would love for you to come with requests. Actually, I kind of need you to send me requests, as I currently have no idea what to write about as I don't know what you want. There will be more chapters, but only if you ask for it ;)


	10. AHS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan get's scared
> 
> Aka some domestic DnP stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on I'll add Ellie's age on the top as it's just a bunch of oneshots I guess. 
> 
> Hope you like it, it was inspired by me watching AHS
> 
> And I'm sorry its really short and I don't post that often anymore, it's just that I don't feel like I have anything to write, but if you have any requests for things to happen or one-shots I would love to hear it!

Ellie’s age: two months

Dan screamed.

“Bloody hell, don’t scare me like that. I could have a heart attack”

“Dan, what are you doing?” Phil questioned. He turned on the lights in the room. Dan looked up at him and faked a smile.

“Nothing” he said slightly nervous. Phil walked over to the bed.

“What are you watching?” he asked, talking about the computer screen in front of him.

“American Horror Story” Dan said quietly.

“With Ellie?” Phil said and looked down at the baby in Dan’s arms. She was supported by Dan’s left arm while his right hand was still covering his heart. 

“She was sleeping”

“Well, she’s not anymore” Phil made a point of the fact that she was crying. Dan looked up at him. 

“This is your fault”

“How is it my fault you chose to watch American Horror Story in the dark with your baby?” Dan didn’t answer.

“Why are you even holding her? She’s fully capable of sleeping in her crib,” Phil continued.

“She makes me feel safe,” Dan muttered. Phil looked at him. 

“Come here, baby girl” Phil said and took her out of Dan’s arms. He placed her head on his shoulder and got up. He started walking in circles, bouncing her up and down, rubbing her back and shushing her. Dan felt guilty for scaring her. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said.

“What season are you on?” Phil asked when Ellie had quieted down. 

“I’m rewatching it, I’m on season two,” Dan said. 

“Let’s watch it together” Phil sat down next to him on the bed and laid Ellie to rest on his right arm. He stretched his arms towards Dan as to ask if he wanted her back.

“It’s okay”, he said. “You’re here now,” Dan said and leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder before starting the episode again.


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *16 years later*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't feel like I have anything more for this fic and therefore I'm now publishing the epilogue, which I wrote a long time ago, but I wasn't ready to officially end this fic

It was Sunday and Ellie’s 16th birthday. It was early morning and Hannah woke him up. He still liked sleeping in. 

“It’s your daughter’s birthday” she whispered and kissed his cheek. 

“What times is it?” he asked, still half asleep.

“Quarter to nine”

“She’s not up yet”

“No, and that is the point. Come on, the kids are getting ready to wake her up” she got up and walked over to their bedroom door, before disappearing out. Before he knew it, he heard footsteps and felt little bodies on top of him.

“Daddy, wake up!” they said, trying to stay quiet to not wake their sister.

“Fine, fine, I’m awake. Good morning” he said, looking at three of his four children. Hannah stood in the doorway looking at her beautiful family; knowing only one person was missing. The daughter that wasn’t really hers, but had been nothing but hers since the day she and Dan got serious. The way Hannah treated Ellie no different from her biological children, made Dan fall in love with her over and over again. 

“Come on, let’s go” she said as quiet as she could, while still loud enough for her family to hear. The kids jumped off their dad and let him get out of bed. Dan didn’t bother changing, as it didn’t seem like his family had. Hannah put a finger in front of her lips, before turning around and leaving their bedroom for the kitchen. She handed a wrapped gift to each of the children and motioned for Dan to get the cake. He picked it up, but not before lighting the candles and checking that his family was ready. He walked first out of the kitchen and led the way to Ellie’s room. He stopped outside the door, and Hannah knocked. 

“Ellie, sweetie, can we come in?” Dan respected his daughter enough to not want to barge in, even on her birthday. 

“Yes” she grunted. Hannah opened the door for him and as they entered, they all started singing. Ellie pulled herself up and leaned against the headboard of her double bed. Dan sat down on the edge of the bed and stretched out his arms so the cake was in front of his oldest daughter.

“Make a wish,” he said as he smiled. This was so cheesy, but he didn’t care. She blew out the candles and Dan put the cake on the nightstand, as it was present-time. Hannah sat behind him and all the kids hand climbed into her bed and was now fighting over who got to give her their present first.

“I’m the oldest, me first” Leah said. She handed Ellie her gift with a huge grin on her face.

“Thank you” she said as she took her present and smiled at her sister. He face lit up when she unwrapped a pair of boots she had been begging for.

“Thank you so much” she said and looked at her parents. Even though Ellie was almost six when Hannah became a part of her life, she was like a mother to her.

“Me next!” Nathan exclaimed. 

“Thank you, Nathan,” she said when she unwrapped a book she hadn’t stopped talking about.

“Ellie” Emily said to get her sisters attention as she handed her another gift. It was the sequel. 

“Come here” Ellie said as she opened her arms to pull her siblings in for a group hug. When they all let go, Hannah pulled out a square shaped present, not much bigger than her hand. Ellie’s eyes widened as she realized what it had to be.

“No!” she said as she brought a hand up to her mouth and stretched out the other hand to get the present. She quickly pulled off the paper, revealing a new phone.

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” she said as she pulled first her dad, then her mom, in for hugs. 

“Who’s ready for some cake?” Dan asked, ready to get his hands on some of that delicious chocolate cake.

“Me!” all four kids yelled. The three youngest got off the bed and started leaving the room one by one. 

“We’ll wait for you downstairs,” Hannah said as Dan picked up the cake and they started leaving the room together. 

“I think she was happy,” Dan said when Hannah had closed the door to Ellie’s room. Dan had always felt slightly guilty that Ellie didn’t have her biological mom, and therefor always tried to do the little extra for her. 

“You think? She is 16, with new boots and a new phone. Can anything stop her now?” Hannah said. 

“That’s what I’m afraid of” Dan laughed. 

Hannah started putting out plates around their dinner table as Dan put the cake in the middle. Ellie came down the stairs in her pajamas, matching the rest of her family. They all sat down and Hannah started cutting the cake, giving the first slice to Ellie. Dan looked around the table at the five most important people in his life. If he only knew 16 years ago what he knows now, he would have had nothing to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank eveyone who's read this and enjoyed it and a special thanks to anyone who left kudos or comments. If you want to read more from me, I have another fic I'm still writing. It's a phan mpreg, so if you like that, give it a read! I'm much more proud of that one and I feel like it's better written. That's why I'm continuing that one and ending this. 
> 
> Also, when I wrote this I asigned an age for their kids, so if you're interested:  
> 8 - Leah  
> 6 - Nathan  
> 5 - Emily


End file.
